Get off my back!!

what makes you think by not allowing me to go out, come home late, use the phone and giving me pep talks will eventually make me a better person?
come on!!i'm already 20 and doing all the things you should be doing when i'm supposed to be at the age of 12 is out of the question..
you never used to care about what i do..why start now..
just because we're living under the same roof doesn't make you people have the power to control my life??hah~too late..
stop telling me you care and that we are a family..bullshit!!
you should have tried years ago..not now..heh~you people are so pathetic..
you hated my friends, the clothes i wear and the language i used..hah~ you think my friends are uncultured-self-centered-youngsters-who-have-nothing-better-to-do-but-create-trouble-for-their-families bunch..and that i'm influenced by them..hahhahaha ya right!!you don't even know them!!!oh wait!!!you didn't even BOTHER!!
year after year..you hated my friends more and more..accusing them of corrupting me..hahahha stop don't blaming them...it's because of them that i remain sane...i have happy moments in life...and all you ever do is compare me with her!!!fuck you!!
doing just that will not turn me into her...and please just because she turned out fine doesn't make you an excellent parent...
i tried reasoning with myself..telling myself about all the sacrifices you made for us..but the hurt i felt all these years still have an overwhelming pain...arghh!!!
call me selfish if you want..i just wanted to be treated the same like her...be given the same amount of attention and love..throwing money at me won't fill the emptiness in me...seriously..i don't love you..never did..i just pretended that i do since it's normal for people to love their family...i'm not sorry for what i did..and that's that...
so leave me alone..

The Big 2-0

woooow...at this very moment i've been declared a NON-teen..and boy that sounded BIG!!hahaha not that i'm proud turning 20 and getting older each year is beginning to freak me out...
and to those who didn't quite get what i mean...
i have just celebrated my 20th birthday 3 days ago..hahha damn i feel old..very old...
anyway..would like to thank all those who wished me and gave me presents..love you guys..muacks!!!

Expectations

sometimes i wished i'm not who i am...i hated the way i look...the way i sound...the way i am...arghh...
the confidence level in me is nearly zero...i became vain(that's how you put it)...i can't help asking for opinion once in a while..okay..basically most of the time...but hey..can't blame me right?i'm just insecure about myself...
time and time again..i try pulling myself together and just accept the way things are..but i just can't..
i'm surrounded by beautiful people..and it makes me feel a tinge of jealousy...that is why i really want to impress others..especially you..i want you to be proud of me...i know it's stupid...but really...i'm not lying...
i try to be up to your expectation...but i fail miserably...it's pathetic..i know...haiz...
i'm sorry..

Shop-peng

haha bought loads of things today...hehehe i feel happy...shopping can really help relieve stress...you should try it...but plesae only do it when you're loaded..not when you're broke..okay?hehhe
went out to collect my pay..hahha like finally..*heaving a sigh of relieve*
had lunch at tuckerbox..the food was okay..but love the ambience..they even played taufik's songs there..(after much coaxing of course..hehehe)
walk-walk at bugis...deciding what to buy...finally settled on a silver necklace, a green bag and 2 t-shirts...hahha and like WOW!!!
that is alot of stuffs...hehehe...
haiz...can't wait for my next shopping trip...hope it won't be too long...
*wishing hard*

Dejection

should i or shouldn't i?
like the saying goes..once bitten twice shy...
i really can't decide..really...
i hate the awful feeling knowing you (might)will do it once more...
seriously i can't decide....
what you think?

Never There

how i wished i could be there for you(general you)...i'm sorry for my bad scheduling of time...didn't mean to neglect you..serious...i'm just lost..am trying my best to find my way through all the projects, classes, work etc..yes that's not the least perfect excuse..but hey!i'm not trying to find excuses...
i truly am sorry...if you really have to bash me up when we meet..please..do the honour...if that will help dampen your anger towards me...no matter how less we see of each other..doesn't mean i forget about you...NEVER WILL...
i will never forget what you've done for me..i'm indebted to you in one way or another..and i'm always here for you...if you need someone to talk to..i'm just a phone call away...if you need a someone to help ease the pain...i'm willing to share the burden with you...in short meh hoon nah(meaning i'm here in hindi)
so now you know...please don't hesitate to call me okay?i love you...

Money$$ Blues

arghh!...i'm getting fed-up...i still have not gotten my full pay yet...sheeshhh..just what is so wrong with giving me my money..the same money i worked-my-butt-off for...sheeshh...
it's not as if i'm asking for a loan for something!...
this is getting intolerable...this is a state of emergency!!!
I.NEED.MY.MONEY.NOW!!!
i have presents to get..loans to settle..clothes to purchase...arghh!!!this is maddening!!!!

Petty Me

i'm sorry...
sometimes i just can't help it..i tend to be an over.protective.extremely.jealous kind of person...as much as i wished not to be..the worse i become...
i really don't want to restrict your freedom and neither do i want to be restricted..

i love you...
i respect your privacy and i really hope you do the same...it's simple really..i just this to run fairly...ok i have to admit..i do keep things from you sometimes..but trust me it's nothing important..well you know..some things are just meant to be left untold...all i need is your trust...and believe me..i won't misuse it...promise!!

We Need A Resolution(period)

[Timbaland]
Ahh.. uh uh I'm tired of arguing girl
I'm tired I'm tired I'm tired huh
I'm tired of arguin girl
I'm tired I'm tired I'm tired huh
I'm tired of arguin girl
ticky ticky ticky ticky baby girl

[Aaliyah]
Did you sleep on the wrong side?
I'm catching a bad vibe
And it's contagious
What's the latest
Speak your heart, don't bite your tongue
Don't get it twisted, don't misuse it
What's your problem?
Lets resolve it
We can solve it, what's the causes?
It's official, you got issues
I got issues, but I know I miss you

[Chorus]
Am I supposed to change? Are you supposed to change?
Who should be hurt? Who should be blamed?
Am I supposed to change? Are you supposed to change?
Who should be hurt? Who should be ashamed?
Am I supposed to change? Are you supposed to change?
Who should be hurt? Will we remain?
You need a resolution
I need a resolution
We need a resolution
We have so much confusion

[Aaliyah]
I want to know where were you last night?
I fell asleep on the couch, I thought we were going out
I want to know were your fingers broke?
If you had let me know I wouldn't have put on my clothes
I want to know where'd you go instead?
Coz it was four in the morning when you crept back in the bed
I want to know what was in your head?
Or what was in my head? Am I supposed to change?

[Chorus x2]
[Aaliyah with Timbaland at end of each line]
Baby let me know, You'll let me know (I will)
You'll let me know, you'll let me know (I will)
You'll let me know, you'll let me know (I will)
You'll let me know, you'll let me know (I will)
You'll let me know, you'll let me know (I will)
You'll let me know, you'll let me know (I will)
You'll let me know, you'll let me know (I will)

[Timbaland]
Girl, holla...
You give me bits and pieces
You tryna blame me when I don't even know the reason
I think it's just the season, maybe the month, maybe the building
Now tell me what's the reason? Stupid yo? Looks are deceiving
So, cut the crying, Cut the coughing, cut the weezing girl
Quit the blaming, Cut the naming, Cut the sleeping girl
I think you need some prayer, Better call the deacon girl
So get your act right or else we won't be speaking girl
So what's it gonna be,(ticky ticky) Me and you?
Or is it gonna be who blames who?
I'm tired of these things, I'm tired of these scars
I think I'm gonna get me a drink, I'll call you tomarr (tomorrow)whoa

*sob

i'm numb...i can't feel anything right about now..even if i were to be knocked down by an 18-wheeler, i doubt i'll even feel a thing...
i feel like my entire body is being ripped apart but i can't feel the pain...i'm desperate to feel the pain....
i.need.pain.NOW.
if only i could just cut myself like before...admire the blood flowing down my arm...the feeling is enticing...it's almost intoxicating...
my MENG2 presentation is tomorrow and i've yet to start...i can't concentrate at all...i don't feel like doing anything at all...all i want to do is to pop some pills and throw myself out of the window...

What's in my heart

FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU

You

Don't go chasing waterfalls
Please stick to the rivers and the lakes that
You're used to
I know that you're gonna have it your way
Or nothing at all
But I think you're moving too fast
TLC - Waterfalls

My Valentine

14th feb is here once again...like years before...there's not a single rose/card/candy/etc from anyone..heh~
no suprise really...i'm not upset...okay...jus lil' perhaps...come on...if you're a girl(doesn't matter whether you're attached or not)don't tell me you won't feel upset...sheeshhh~
i'm not hoping for any..just wished..suprise me people..!!!haiz..i'm pathetic ain't i...i have no shame to proclaim that i'm upset not getting anything on valentines' day..then again..i'm a muslim..and muslims MUST NOT celebrate the death of some priest-who-die-in-cause-of-true-love-shit...haiz...
in a week's time..it will be my birthday...shit
and instead of hoping for something wonderful to happen...i will try to forget about it...whenever i think about it..my heart aches...flashbacks of my numerous horrible "special" days keep replaying..like a broken vcd player(still unable to afford a dvd player haiz)...
arghh...so people...do me a favour..try not to remind me of it....

Ha-Ha

You Are A Professional Girlfriend! You are the perfect girlfriend - big surprise! Heaven knows you've had enough practice. That's why you're a total pro. If there was an Emily Post of girlfriends, it would be you. You know how to act in every situation ... to make both you and your guy happy. What Kind Of Girlfriend Are You? Take This Quiz :-) Find the Love of Your Life (and More Love Quizzes) at Your New Romance.

death

i can't sleep right now...and i don't think i will be able to sleep anytime soon...been having bad dreams...very very bad dreams...and they just won't go away no matter how hard i try they just don't...
for a couple days now...i've dreamt of losing you...to be precise, through death...and yes i freaked out...it seems so real...i'm scared...i don't want to go through it again...not now..not ever...i don't want to...
i'm scared...
whenever i close my eyes, the dream kept replaying itself...i can't stop it...the only way is to keep awake...but i can't..i'm sleepy..very sleepy in fact...
arghh...i really wish i could have a dreamless sleep...which i never had before...most of my dreams are nightmares...before the i-kept-seeing-you-dying-before-my-eyes dreams...i used to dream of a pair of hands dragging me of my bed while ripping my pajamas to shreads..and before i knew it..i woke up in cold sweat...
but once i drift to la la land...the same thing happen again...the only different is that the subsequent dream last longer than before...sheeshhh
but now..this current nightmare is freaking the hell outta me...it seem bloody real i tell you...
i really wonder why those dreams....could be that God knows that i'm not ready to face Him...and all these nightmares are to remind me to actually repent...omigod...as much as i want to repent...the temptation to sin is too great...astagfirullahal'azim!!maybe that's what He wants of us...to resist all temptation or be condemned in hell for eternity...
i'm not afraid of death...but come to think of it...i fear the aftermath of death...*shivers in fear*

BANG!

just shoot me now~ and don't miss...

trust

i really hate it when you do that...accusing me blindly...just because the odds are against me...can't you believe its purely coincidental...just why must you accuse me of all that...don't you trust me...if you don't trust me with your life..at least trust my words..especially when i say i didn't do anything wrong...if you can't even take my word why even be here in the 1st place...i hate it when you question my authority...i really hate it...and right now...my eyes are stinging...

pure pleasure(moans)

chocolates, sleeping, beaches, food, shopping, day-dreaming, dirty-dancing, late-night strolls, romance, black roses, horror flicks/books, keanu reeves, blogging...

i hate you

whenever i look into the mirror..i see this ugly girl...she has the same splitting image of me...the badly styled hair, the crooked teeth, the un-flawless face ..in short U.G.L.Y...
after nearly 20 years of living with all these flaws..i can't take it anymore...i feel so ugly...so unpretty...hate myself..hate myself...
if only i can go for some Xtreme Makeover...even if i do..i don't think i will look at bit better...
sometimes when i actually diss others(apparently only 1 now..seriously can you stand talking or seeing someone raining saliva on you or others)i actually realise my shortcoming...
ni semua ciptaan tuhan lyn....you got that right...God was too busy making others beautiful, HE forgot about me...*boo hoo*
pathetic..if only i can give you a slap now lyn...stop whinning..and look at the bright side of life...at least you have great assets(ahem!)to be proud..to hell with what others have to say...
(don't mind me...i just need to let out...ouh i hate being a girl..*pouts lip*

The OTHER Person (RA-rated)

are you starting to hate your boyfriends'/girlfriends' friends??if you are i'm sure you feel my "pain"..i don't really hate all his friends..just this particular one...this particular ass-shit-bloody-fucker-copycat...this muthafucker is really driving me up the wall...

1st: he just love to exaggerate stuffs..still remember the day he actually told EVERYONE and i mean everyone including Syawal that i text him...the hell!!!and because of that i got into a lil' tiff with my B...
2nd: he got an not-so-exact(and not forgetting UGLY)replica of the cap i bought for my darling sweetie for his belated birthday gift...bloody fucker..
3rd: the way he boast about his not-so-great-to-talk-about abilities...so what if you're in the school team...sheeshh...

now you see how much i actually hate this particular person...i'm not being mean by saying all this..but i'm just an ordinary person..i have my own set of opinion and ideas of how a person should be...i'm not perfect myself..but hey at least i don't try to be like others..following every single move...sheeshhh..might as well become his/her shadow...

frankly i don't understand YOU..what's up man??what is it that you're so not happy about huh??why must you do all that stuffs...i don't mean to hate you but hell your actions is driving me NUTS...i can't help hating you..and for your info...you're the 1st person i hate in years..so i hope that you're proud of it...heh~

nonetheless...no matter whatever you do..and how much i hate you...syawal and i will stay together...and be happy...and don't you even think about ruining that...